Haikus from Hell

just-in-time haiku

2008-10-02T10:24:00.002-06:00

mist across the lake
wolf howls in the near distance
the home team has scored

H-boy arrives home
checks refrigerator door
beer goes bad Tuesday

jury-rigged haiku

2008-07-31T09:53:00.002-06:00

scraping nature scene
from the bottom of my shoe
pebbles, grass and gum

full moon, waving trees
you know the drill--here a frog
jumps up, steals spotlight

inconvenient haiku

2006-09-15T10:04:00.000-06:00

H-boy's haikus re
his STDs make it hard
to date haiku chicks.

inverse relationship haiku

2006-09-15T10:02:00.000-06:00

the more poems h-boy
writes, the lower his name sinks
on Forbes richest list

idiot-proof haiku

2006-09-12T10:04:00.000-06:00

Language is key.
If it's not American
English, they won't read.

Next up, brevity.
Must be short enough to read
during commercials.

But most important:
If you want the big haiku bucks,
gotta sex it up.

irregular haiku

2006-09-12T10:02:00.000-06:00

As summer retreats
badger seeks water, food. Dines
in some odd places.

Zen-monk finds bargain:
ten-dollar winter coat, but
the sleeves aren't same lengths.

Spanish verb freaks out.
Needs completely different
root for its past tense.

I, haiku

2006-09-05T12:53:00.000-06:00

First law of haiku:
Haiku should do no harm to
its reader, ever.

Second haiku law:
Haiku should not compromise
its author's street cred.

Third law of haiku:
Whatever, dude. Buddha
says we should party.

Italian food haiku

2006-09-05T12:52:00.000-06:00

Wheat becomes pasta
pasta boils, softens some.
(But not too much, Al!)

Sausage, crisped nicely,
shiny admidst the onions,
red and green peppers.

And who was it who
figured out a circle of
melted cheese, bread, sauce?

heckler haiku

2006-07-14T09:06:00.000-06:00

spring wind across trees...
"Yo h-boy, get a life--I
belch better haiku!"

Whew, tough crowd tonight.
"Yeah, I remember my first
poetry workshop..."

H-boy sucks??? Hey, he
doesn't bug you at Walmart...
tell you how to greet.

Hickenlooper haiku

2006-07-14T08:59:00.000-06:00

Successful mayor,
though I suspect many votes
for him were "beer votes."

Could be governor,
staying put. He's already
jumped out of a plane.

Fixed downtown parking
then named Poet Laureate
for Denver--way cool.

horse haiku

2006-07-11T12:13:00.000-06:00

SPECIAL GUEST POET -- S. Gabrielle Frey

A horse walks into
a bar in Lamar oh sh*t
there goes our license.

(from an actual bar in the actual Lamar, CO with indeed, an actual horse)

helpful hints haiku

2006-07-11T11:15:00.000-06:00

That old used mousepad
can find new life in kitchen
opening tight jars.

Open bananas
from the other end--monkeys
figured this one out.

Don't buy cheap shoes or
beds--you'll be in one of them
nine tenths of the time.

horror movie haiku

2006-07-11T11:14:00.000-06:00

sultry summer night
rippled moon reflects on lake
fox showers alone

radioactive
soil resurrects badger
who seeks badger brains

deserted temple
haunted by ghost of poet
writes scary haikus

hellbent for haiku

2006-07-07T11:54:00.000-06:00

GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!
Summer light on the mountains--
Gotta write some poems.

Waning afternoon...
HOLY CRAP!! need twelve more kus
before martinis.

Moonight on temple,
poets race past. Do not impede
their top-speed haikus.

Howard (Borden, Cosell, the Duck) haiku

2006-07-07T11:53:00.000-06:00

Ur-wacky neighbor--
before Kramer--he'd torment
poor old Bob Newhart.

He's famed for Ali--
but Denverites remember
brick through the TV.

Regrettable film
adaptation, save Lea
Thompson's brief nude scene.

Gertrude Stein haiku

2006-07-01T08:04:00.000-06:00

Summer is Summer
frog is a frog is a frog
I'll make some iced tea

The pleasant Spring light
Alice B. prunes gardenias
Hemingway leaves soon

my publisher's note
arrives by late post--four words:
"Write some simple poems."

Golgotha haiku

2006-07-01T08:03:00.000-06:00

Do sinners always
come from towns with ugly names?
It must be a rule.

the kind of a place
where devils drive the buses
and monsters sell shoes

the mayor smells bad
but the city's prize gardens
smell twenty times worse

gist haiku

2006-06-27T10:09:00.001-06:00

some seasonal light
cricket on a temple floor
you get the picture

the air-hot or cold,
h-boy refers to something
inappropriate

you know, some nature,
some brief self-deprecation
we've been here before

gantry haiku

2006-06-27T10:09:00.000-06:00

the morning slant sun
draws crisscross patterns on the
skin of the shuttle

Florida Winter
oddly, snow has formed, condensed
on the chilled fuel tanks

the second tallest
thing around, it falls over
when first tallest leaves

goose juice vs. moose juice haiku

2006-06-21T20:43:00.000-06:00

I'm telling you now
never drink in your dreams, Bub.
The bottles get swapped.

The waterfowl tastes
that musky mammal malt brew
and honks in horror.

Musky mammal chugs
from waterfowl's light nectar.
Makes a yucky face.

girly-man haiku

2006-06-21T20:42:00.000-06:00

frankly, a poet
is a pretty suspect job
for a guy these days

the other grown men
sky-dive, windsurf, fix their cars,
h-boy writes haikus

my manhood might show
better if I stop writing
in lavendar ink

glad so glad for the gift of life haiku

2006-06-13T06:57:00.000-06:00

there is chocolate,
the feel of a perfectly
thrown nerf football

Beethoven's Seventh
and the pleasure of a short nap
outside in the breeze

6 cold cans of beer
and a turkey sandwich, chips,
the view of the hills

grieving haiku

2006-06-12T12:35:00.000-06:00

darkness and quiet
frog has hopped away somewhere
didn't hear him go

feeling my oats/age haiku

2006-06-02T09:40:00.000-06:00

first day of summer
h-boy wears shorts, preens for chicks
chicks do not notice

Friday evening
my brain conjures neon, drinks
body groans me to bed

woman stares at me
I smooth my hair, check mirror
oh, fly was open

fez haiku

2006-06-02T09:36:00.000-06:00

Somewhere, Morocco.
I'd like to buy a red hat,
put it on, blend in.

just the thing to wear
when next me and my posse
drive the tiny car

AND THIS JUST IN FROM SPIKE FARRELL:
fez haiku two

"I don't know the name,
but the fez is familiar"
will still get a groan