inconvenient haiku

H-boy's haikus re
his STDs make it hard
to date haiku chicks.

inverse relationship haiku

the more poems h-boy
writes, the lower his name sinks
on Forbes richest list

idiot-proof haiku

Language is key.
If it's not American
English, they won't read.

Next up, brevity.
Must be short enough to read
during commercials.

But most important:
If you want the big haiku bucks,
gotta sex it up.

irregular haiku

As summer retreats
badger seeks water, food. Dines
in some odd places.

Zen-monk finds bargain:
ten-dollar winter coat, but
the sleeves aren't same lengths.

Spanish verb freaks out.
Needs completely different
root for its past tense.

I, haiku

First law of haiku:
Haiku should do no harm to
its reader, ever.

Second haiku law:
Haiku should not compromise
its author's street cred.

Third law of haiku:
Whatever, dude. Buddha
says we should party.

Italian food haiku

Wheat becomes pasta
pasta boils, softens some.
(But not too much, Al!)

Sausage, crisped nicely,
shiny admidst the onions,
red and green peppers.

And who was it who
figured out a circle of
melted cheese, bread, sauce?

heckler haiku

spring wind across trees...
"Yo h-boy, get a life--I
belch better haiku!"

Whew, tough crowd tonight.
"Yeah, I remember my first
poetry workshop..."

H-boy sucks??? Hey, he
doesn't bug you at Walmart...
tell you how to greet.

Hickenlooper haiku

Successful mayor,
though I suspect many votes
for him were "beer votes."

Could be governor,
staying put. He's already
jumped out of a plane.

Fixed downtown parking
then named Poet Laureate
for Denver--way cool.

horse haiku

SPECIAL GUEST POET -- S. Gabrielle Frey

A horse walks into
a bar in Lamar oh sh*t
there goes our license.

(from an actual bar in the actual Lamar, CO with indeed, an actual horse)

helpful hints haiku

That old used mousepad
can find new life in kitchen
opening tight jars.

Open bananas
from the other end--monkeys
figured this one out.

Don't buy cheap shoes or
beds--you'll be in one of them
nine tenths of the time.

horror movie haiku

sultry summer night
rippled moon reflects on lake
fox showers alone

radioactive
soil resurrects badger
who seeks badger brains

deserted temple
haunted by ghost of poet
writes scary haikus

hellbent for haiku

GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!
Summer light on the mountains--
Gotta write some poems.

Waning afternoon...
HOLY CRAP!! need twelve more kus
before martinis.

Moonight on temple,
poets race past. Do not impede
their top-speed haikus.

Howard (Borden, Cosell, the Duck) haiku

Ur-wacky neighbor--
before Kramer--he'd torment
poor old Bob Newhart.

He's famed for Ali--
but Denverites remember
brick through the TV.

Regrettable film
adaptation, save Lea
Thompson's brief nude scene.

Gertrude Stein haiku

Summer is Summer
frog is a frog is a frog
I'll make some iced tea

The pleasant Spring light
Alice B. prunes gardenias
Hemingway leaves soon

my publisher's note
arrives by late post--four words:
"Write some simple poems."

Golgotha haiku

Do sinners always
come from towns with ugly names?
It must be a rule.

the kind of a place
where devils drive the buses
and monsters sell shoes

the mayor smells bad
but the city's prize gardens
smell twenty times worse

gist haiku

some seasonal light
cricket on a temple floor
you get the picture

the air-hot or cold,
h-boy refers to something
inappropriate

you know, some nature,
some brief self-deprecation
we've been here before

gantry haiku

the morning slant sun
draws crisscross patterns on the
skin of the shuttle

Florida Winter
oddly, snow has formed, condensed
on the chilled fuel tanks

the second tallest
thing around, it falls over
when first tallest leaves

goose juice vs. moose juice haiku

I'm telling you now
never drink in your dreams, Bub.
The bottles get swapped.

The waterfowl tastes
that musky mammal malt brew
and honks in horror.

Musky mammal chugs
from waterfowl's light nectar.
Makes a yucky face.

girly-man haiku

frankly, a poet
is a pretty suspect job
for a guy these days

the other grown men
sky-dive, windsurf, fix their cars,
h-boy writes haikus

my manhood might show
better if I stop writing
in lavendar ink

glad so glad for the gift of life haiku

there is chocolate,
the feel of a perfectly
thrown nerf football

Beethoven's Seventh
and the pleasure of a short nap
outside in the breeze

6 cold cans of beer
and a turkey sandwich, chips,
the view of the hills

grieving haiku

darkness and quiet
frog has hopped away somewhere
didn't hear him go

feeling my oats/age haiku

first day of summer
h-boy wears shorts, preens for chicks
chicks do not notice

Friday evening
my brain conjures neon, drinks
body groans me to bed

woman stares at me
I smooth my hair, check mirror
oh, fly was open

fez haiku

Somewhere, Morocco.
I'd like to buy a red hat,
put it on, blend in.

just the thing to wear
when next me and my posse
drive the tiny car

AND THIS JUST IN FROM SPIKE FARRELL:
fez haiku two

"I don't know the name,
but the fez is familiar"
will still get a groan

fits neatly in the palm of your hand haiku

revolvers, knives, clubs
so many good graspable
ways to kill a guy

pen, pencil, crayon
so many handles with which
we can write our threats

yeah, well we all knew
that h-boy was gonna get
around to, you know...

Frankenstein haiku

a season image
from someone else's dead poem
like a stolen head

midsection, nature
but not normal nature...it's
some talking lizard

the monster shuffles
off on borrowed jokey legs
to kill its author

flea circus haiku

funny little tent
with its spider web trapeze
thimble for splashdown

tiny ringmaster
bravely sticks his head into
jaws of ant-lion

it takes five hundred
clowns to fill up that silly
orange plastic car

fossilized haiku

in the future dust
paleontologists dig
poem up with lasers

buried by layers
of metaphor sediment
written geology

scraping through granite
and seventeen tiny bones
begin to emerge

Edgar Allan Poe haiku

he hung with this guy
who had an OCD bird
repeated itself

stands on study shelf
with Sigmund and Albert E.
Albert kicks his butt

winter on the pond
the frog sleeps beneath the silt
still hear his damn heart

empathy haiku

ticket on windshield...
who knows what kind of troubles
beset meter maids?

I step in dog poop.
What sad digestive patient
had to go outside?

Don't look for your shoes.
They are on my feet for at
least eleven blocks.

elbow haiku

funny ulnar nerve
wraps around the outside bone
no protection -- wham!

Darwin must be right
those with unbending arms can't
eat enough pizza

some ache from tennis
some are victims of keyboards
h-boy's? self-abuse

evocative dreams haiku

my bro-in-law Tom
and I race to catch ferry
to Nietzsche Island

in the locker room
I must make tossed salad for
Washington Redskins

gauzy misty room
someone snores by me in bed
it's Arnold Palmer

Ella Fitzgerald haiku

the Germans loved her
ate it up when she mangled
Bertold Brecht lyrics

funny girlish voice
coming from this large woman
loved her with Satchmo

English degree haiku

life preparation
study hard, go to college
just to write damn poems

very impressive
in job interviews--that line
on my resume

next life, forget lit...
follow Granny's career tip:
dermatology

dung beetle haiku

what a metaphor!
do we not all spend our lives
building balls of poop?

Dudley Enos haiku

he drove a T-Bird
with vanity plates--just the
letters D-U-D

his slack-jawed students
stared uncomprehendingly
as he read Sappho

I remember well
his one-breasted Amazon
impersonation

Dostoevski haiku

Aloysha is saved
Smerdykov comes to bad end
Ivan: "brain fever"

Early day sunlight
glints off a giant cockroach
no, wait, that's Kafka.

A former girlfriend
said I was her Prince Mishkin.
(from "The Idiot.")

dust of ancient civilizations haiku

Sumeria? or
maybe Babylon?, it still
clogs my sinuses.

that grit in my soup
could well have been scraped off of
some Aztec's sandal

a loud hearty sneeze
and I expel pieces of
Ramses from my nose

drinking salad dressing haiku

whether vinaigrette,
thousand island, spicy ranch--
a shotglass will do

the juice that remains
after the veggies are gone:
vinegar nectar

poor sad haikuboy
no one will kiss him post-lunch
but, mmmmmmm...oniony!

dance of the dictators haiku

Ben Mussolini
enjoyed bacon panini
South of Rimini

Smiling Chairman Mao
wasn't winning at pai-gow
didn't mind somehow

Old Man Pinochet
sat by the dock of the bay
humming Marvin Gaye